Sonic needs a freaking break
by Ri2
Summary: Sonic has been doing the hero thing for a long, long, long time. Maybe a little too long. Perhaps it's time he took a break... Before he kills someone.


Disclaimer: I wrote this as a present to a friend last year and thought I'd put it up now for the fun of it. I'm sure it'll rub some people the wrong way, but what I did I did for comedy and have no regrets.

…

"No."

"What do you mean, no?!" Tails cried in disbelief.

"Exactly what I said. No. I'm not going," Sonic said, back turned to Tails as he packed his possessions and toiletries into a suitcase.

"But Sonic, Doctor Eggman-" Tails started.

"Has stolen the Chaos Emeralds or some other MacGuffin and is trying to awaken some ancient evil which will inevitably turn on him and needs to be put down to save the world," Sonic droned in a bored tone of voice. "I know, Tails. It's happened a million times already. It happened just last week, in fact. And Tuesday."

Tails blinked. "Tuesday? I don't remember anything happening then."

"Because that's how quickly I took care of it," Sonic said.

"Then why don't you take care of _this,_ too?" Tails begged him.

"Because," Sonic said loftily, folding his six dozenth pair of socks. "I'm going on vacation."

Tails stared at him blankly. "A vacation."

"That's right," Sonic said.

"Doctor Eggman's trying to take over the world and you're going on _vacation,_" Tails said.

"Yep," Sonic said.

"That doesn't seem a little, I don't know…_irresponsible?!_" Tails demanded.

Sonic paused to look at Tails. "Tails, has Doctor Eggman succeeded in taking over the world in all the years we've known him?"

"Well, um…never, I guess…" Tails admitted.

"There you go, then," Sonic said, turning back to his packing.

"But he's only failed because you stop him all the time!" Tails protested. "With you out of the way, there's nobody who can stop him!"

"What about Knuckles?" Sonic asked.

Tails hesitated. "Uh, well…"

"And Team Dark? And the Chaotix? Heck, even Amy's beaten the Doc a few times before, when she's not being captured by him," Sonic said.

"Well…okay, yeah, I guess they could take care of it-" Tails admitted.

"There you go, then," Sonic said.

"But they aren't _you_, Sonic!" Tails pleaded.

Sonic paused. He sighed. He wearily turned around. Tails was startled by how haggard and exhausted the blue hedgehog looked. "Tails," Sonic said after a moment. "I'm tired. For years now, it feels like I've been in a rut. Wake up, find out Eggman's up to some hackneyed scheme, stop him, stop the even bigger evil he's too stupid to stop teaming up with, save the day, rinse and repeat. I used to like it at first, but now…it's just gotten kind of tedious. It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if I even need to bother doing anything, given how good a job the Doc seems to be doing at defeating himself. The guy doesn't even bother properly shielding his cockpit or concealing obvious weak spots, for Christ's sake. And it doesn't help that so many of my adventures these days have been so…utterly underwhelming and disappointing. They start out with such promise and hope, but they just turn out to be more of the same in the end. _Worse_, even, since by the end of it I can't help but feel like the whole thing was a huge disappointment and waste of time. And that's not counting all the strange transformations and deviations from the norm that keep popping up all the time. I got turned into some kind of cheap werewolf, which makes no sense since I don't recall any of Dark Gaia's monsters being even remotely lupine, they were mostly lizards, and what was up with the stretchy arms anyway? Seriously, what was that? And there was the time where an alien invasion was stopped by Shadow running around shooting people and I barely got to do anything, which was kind of weird. And the time we beat a crazier than usual Metal Sonic—why did he think turning into a giant monster would make him the 'real Sonic?'—by using the super power of teamwork, AKA me hurling you and Knuckles at him until he blew up. And then there's the Wisps—who I'll admit were actually pretty okay, though I'm fairly certain they've given me some kind of radiation poisoning-and the time I used a sword—which was kind of cool, but a bit out of character—and all those races where I use vehicles infinitely _slower_ than me for some reason, and…I don't know, when's the last time I've been able to have an actually _fun_ adventure where I get to run and jump on things without everything getting all complicated and pointlessly gimmicky? I mean, yeah, okay, some of those gimmicky adventures _were_ pretty cool, but…still."

Tails stared at Sonic, eyes wide. "I…didn't realize you felt that way."

Sonic grimaced. "Sorry. That's kind of been on my chest for a while now. And don't even get me started on how little of the things we do seems to make sense these days…take the Babylon Rogues, for instance. Are they genies? Aliens? Alien genies? Is that even a thing? I've met actual genies. Are they aliens, too? Are they related to the Rogues? How would that work? I mean, Shadow's half-alien…but yeah, this has been building up for a while. That adventure we had on my birthday, the one where we ran into my past self? That…kind of put things into perspective."

Tails frowned. "How so?"

"I told him he would have a great future," Sonic said sadly. "And at the time, I meant it. But…then I thought about it, and…I started wondering if that was really the case…I'm not sure I'm happy with the way things are now. With where my life is going. With where my life has _been_ the last few years. Kind of sobering, really."

"Then…then you're just going to quit?!" Tails cried incredulously.

"Huh?" Sonic said, looking surprised. "No, no, I haven't gotten _that_ fed-up with things!...yet. That's why I'm going on a vacation, to clear my head, get some much-needed rest and relaxation, escape from Amy's increasingly creepy stalking for a few days-"

"I LOVE YOU SONIKKU!" Amy shrieked as she burst out of the closet.

Sonic grabbed her and promptly threw her out the window. Without a beat, he continued, "And have tons of sex with Blaze."

Tails did a double-take. "Blaze?!"

"Yeah, I'm going to her dimension to stay with her for a week. It'll be great, we've got a whole itinerary planned," Sonic said, his face lighting up. "Racing, sex, fighting in her gladiatorial arena, sex, hunting those no-good orca whales to extinction, sex, pranking nobles, sex, conquering other countries, sex, and…uh…oh yeah, sex, can't forget that."

Tails stared at Sonic. "That's, uh, a lot of sex."

"We haven't seen each other in a while. We have a lot of catching up to do," Sonic said, a dreamy look on his face.

"Ew," Tails said in disgust.

"My boy, you'll understand once you've hit puberty," Sonic said sagely. He paused. "…Which…you probably should have hit by now…how old are you again? Sometimes it feels like you're getting younger or not aging at all."

Tails frowned, not looking too certain himself. "That's…huh. That's weird. I _should_ have hit puberty by now, shouldn't I?"

Sonic shrugged. "Just another weird thing that doesn't make sense…Anyway, this should be just what I need to get me out of my funk and make me actually look forward to going head-to-head with Eggman's latest stupid robot or monster of the week again. Don't worry, I'll be back and raring to go before you know it."

"Well…okay…" Tails said uncertainly. "You, uh, _do_ realize there's a chance that while you're on vacation Eggman Nega or some other villain will attack and you'll have to go on the kind of adventure you're trying to get _away_ from, right?"

"The thought has occurred to me, yes," Sonic said. "Fortunately, I've prepared for just such an eventuality."

"Oh? How so?" Tails asked.

Sonic reached into his suitcase and took out a gun. "I will simply shoot him in the face until he is dead. It seems to work for Shadow, after all," Sonic said, lovingly caressing the weapon.

Tails stared at his hero and best friend for several moments. _Maybe he really _does_ need a vacation. _ "So, uh… who's going to take care of Eggman while you're gone? Should I call the others?" he asked to try and draw Sonic back to some modicum of sanity

Sonic smiled and put the gun away. "Don't worry, I'm not _that _irresponsible. I've already picked a good substitute."

"You have?" Tails asked in relief.

Sonic nodded, smiled, put a hand on the fox's shoulder, and stared into his eyes. "Yes…a hero whose time in the spotlight has been a long time coming, and is finally going to get the starring role he deserves."

Tails's eyes widened. A look of pure joy stretched across his face.

…

"So there I was, sitting next to my phone just like I have every day for the last twenty or so years, waiting for Knuckles or one of the others to finally return my calls and invite me to another adventure, and then, just as I was about to give up and overdose on sleeping pills, Sonic calls me up and asks if I want to substitute for him while he goes on vacation!" Mighty the Armadillo gushed to Tails.

"How thoughtful of him," Tails said through gritted teeth, his eye twitching.

"I know, right? And here I thought everyone had forgotten I existed or something like that!" Mighty said with a somewhat unhinged laugh. "So, let's go, sidekick! Adventure awaits us! Away!"

"Yes…away…" Tails growled. _Sonic, when you get back, you are _so_ paying for this!_

…

Meanwhile…

Sonic and Blaze lay in the latter's queen-sized bed, basking in the afterglow of their latest marathon love-making session. "You do as well in bed as you do on the field of battle, beloved," Blaze purred, nuzzling the blue hedgehog.

Sonic grinned. "Well hey, I can't be super-fast in _everything_, now can I?"

Blaze chuckled and sensually rubbed her paws down the length of his body. "Before we met, I had despaired of ever meeting one who could satisfy my appetite…you shall make a good consort someday."

"I could be a King, you know," Sonic said nonchalantly. "I'm apparently heir to the throne of Camelot…or something…not sure how that works."

"In my land, there are no kings," Blaze said with a lascivious grin. "There is only the Queen…and those who serve her."

Sonic grinned. "Then maybe it's time this Queen got overthrown." He leaned forward to kiss her…

When suddenly there were screams and explosions from outside. There was an urgent knock on the door. "Your Excellency, Doctor Eggman Nega is attacking the city!" one of Blaze's eunuch guards called, knowing better than to enter his mistress's bedchamber uninvited. That was a swift way to get burnt to ashes.

Sonic's eye twitched. Blaze cursed and started to get out of bed. "A pox on that so-called 'scientist!' Beloved, I'm afraid this will have to wait-"

"No," Sonic said calmly. "Let me handle this. I just need to get something from my room."

In a flash of blue, he darted out of the room. A few seconds later, there was the sound of gunshots and anguished screams. In another flash of blue, Sonic had returned, a big grin on his face and blood splatter covering his front. "There. All done."

Blaze stared at him for a moment, eyes wide. Then she said, "You have _no_ idea how much that turns me on…my king."

She pounced on Sonic. Neither of them would be seen out of the room for another seventeen hours.


End file.
